Do the Condi

If I had to pick an archnemesis, I would have to say it's Condoleezza Rice. She basically embodies almost everything I despise, and she has essentially aligned herself against me, my family, and my way of life for years, making her a good candidate for the status of archnemesis.

I think in the comic book version of our fight, she would try to stab me with her stilettos, then invoke her minions of devlish UN peacekeepers, who would try to defeat me by feeding me into the engine of Airforce 1. I, however, would quickly whip my headscarf in Condi's face, temporarily blinding her, then ensnare her in a web of thorny plants and those plastic kiddush cups that are left all over Meron after Lag b'Omer, and shove her down the mountain on which I live, where she would subsequently be eaten by wild boars, to the joy of the Jewish People and the salvation of Israel. The Jews of Judea and Samaria would then arise en masse, drive out the odious UN forces, and inherit their enormous fleet of white 4 by 4s.

However, when I see how diligently Condi is preparing for battle with me, I realize that it's going to be more like one of those Rocky IV situations. Dragoleeza, with her state of the art track, endless supply of steroids, and that cold killer look in her eyes, is all pedigree fighter-like while I, Malcky, will have to defeat her for the sake of justice and patriotism after several weeks of running through snow with tree trunks on my back, chopping wood, and wearing those gloves with no fingers, looking stoic as 80s band Survivor pumps me full of heart and determination.

Condi's militant fitness regimen has her at a distinct advantage - for now. With time and the benefit of her workout secrets, however, she will not remain invincible for long.

Condi's workout has inspired me to get more hardcore. While she THINKS she's going to be carving pieces out of Israel, what she's REALLY going to do is carve pieces off my butt. Let's go, Survivor. We've got work to do!

Two worlds collide
Rival nations
It's a primitive clash
Venting years of frustrations
Bravely we hope
Against all hope
There is so much at stake

Seems our freedom's up
Against the ropes
Does the crowd understand?
Is it East versus West
Or man against man
Can any nation stand alone?

In the burning Heart
Just about to burst
There's a quest for answers
An unquenchable thirst
In the darkest night
Rising like a spire
In the burning heart
The unmistakable fire